I love this post. I will be sharing it with friends.
My top realization I would tell 23-year-old me:
Don't waste time harping on setbacks or trying to change negative events once they've happened. Negative events will happen, despite your best efforts. Instead, evaluate how each event changes the landscape and your options for the future. Continually re-evaluate your best course of action to take past events into account, and resolve to make decisions that are forward-facing to give yourself the best chance to succeed in the future.
It's so easy to get stuck on what went wrong, but moving forward is what really matters. Your point about re-evaluating options and staying forward-facing is powerful. It reminds me of adjusting sails in the wind—no matter which way it blows, we can still navigate towards our goal. Thanks for sharing :)
At 31, I finally got the advice I would have so desperately needed as a 23-year-old jazz musician from a brilliant player, mentor and friend with world-class standards: “What you’re working on is very, very difficult to do well. You have to go up there and bomb hundreds of times. There are no shortcuts. Also: Your failures will never touch our friendship.”
And with that, I became bulletproof (not just in jazz, but in all my endeavors).
“Your failures will never touch our friendship” - that is an incredible message that could be reworded for any deep and intimate relationship. I will make sure my children KNOW this about my love for them. Thank you for sharing 🙏
In this case, it was really important for me to hear this from a colleague and mentor I greatly admired, since so much of my self-doubt (read: self-loathing) was specifically tangled up in how I evaluated my competence, capabilities and potential at the time.
I later found that my ability/desire to take key risks—in jazz, no risk, no growth!—was equal to my belief that my failures would be met with love by an artist with exceptional skills and standards who also happened to be a close friend. His advice truly was more than the sum of its parts, and that's why it was life-changing.
In any case, there are a handful of areas where we all need unconditional love, so yes, this can, and should, be reworded and repurposed any number of ways. :)
Wow Anada, it's amazing how the right advice from a mentor can shift our entire perspective. Your story shows how crucial support and understanding are in taking risks and growing, especially in something as creative as jazz.
I love the idea that failures can be met with love and understanding, and that is incredibly empowering.
Thanks for sharing this Anada—it’s a reminder that we all need a bit of unconditional love and encouragement 🧡
Whatever you spend a lot of time and energy on becomes important in your life.
It could be something like doomscrolling social media/eating junk food or something else like reading a book/exercising. The choice is ours what we make important in our lives.
At almost 19 years past 23 (I'll be 42 on Friday), I can't add much to this great list, but I suppose there are a few:
-Genuine humility will take you far in life. It's ok to admit you're wrong, to apologise, and to learn from other people. You will grow and gain respect from the right kind of people for this.
-Learn to see yourself through the eyes of the people who love you, and you will learn how to love yourself in a more healthy (not narcissistic) way. Once you learn to love yourself, you can love others more freely.
-Dont be afraid to commit. You will rarely regret it. Whether it is to a simple coffee meeting with a new friend, a birthday party with friends, or helping out a neighbour. It's not like you're locked in for a lifetime, but you probably will experience something positive. But don't sit around not committing hoping something better may come along.
Wow, these are excellent. Learning to see ourselves through the eyes of our loved ones seems essential for relationship health and personal health. Their gaze is like a mirror that helps us refine ourselves, and without which our characters would grow dishevelled.
If there is one thing I've noticed (and been frustrated by) about my generation (elder millennials), it's that many are severely commitment-phobic. I noticed that those who were, often missed out on a great time and had lots of regrets, so I took notes and started saying "yes" to things, against that gnawing feeling in my stomach telling me I should want to remain free. But I discovered something -- despite that uncomfortable feeling, I more often than not ended up being really happy I committed! (And I, an introvert!) Friends planning events love it too. They know at least one person will show up to make it worth it.
Plus, then it puts something on my calendar to look forward to!
- Sometimes, everyone else has the wrong idea. You’ve come to the right conclusion, and time WILL prove you correct, but by then, everyone else will have forgotten what you said, or if they remember, it will be too late for them to act upon your advice. Never doubt your carefully-reasoned convictions, but don’t waste your precious time and energies trying to convince others that you are correct.
Instead of using words, persuade others with obvious actions—show, don’t tell. Let people believe they came up with your ideas themselves after they observe how you move about in the world; the lesson will be more powerful and longer-lasting for that. You cannot save others from their own mistakes, but you might be able to save yourself heartache by remembering you are not morally responsible for how others decide to live their lives.
If you have friends or family, treat them as if they're the only people you'll ever know for the rest of your life. Once you're much past 30 years old, it is extremely difficult and rare to make new friends. The phrase that gets kicked around - "I'm alone, but not lonely" is absolute horseshit. Trust me, you do not ever want to be left alone in this world. If a relationship needs mending, use all your strength and resources to mend it as if your life depends on it.
It's the definition of insanity, right? I do think there is a base level of "having shit" that will make you happier. Like, if you don't have food, then food literally will make you happier. Same thing with a safe place to live. But at some point pretty early in the process it won't.
I actually think that base level messes people up to believe more things will make you more happy. If food can make you happy when you don't have enough of it, then clearly jamming things into other holes will do the same, rightr?
We love our cheap crap, filling our ever increasing larger homes, walk-in closets, attics, built out basements, 2, 3, or 4 car garages, backyard sheds, and finally the always wanted, rarely needed, rental storage unit..
As a very dear friend and spiritual ally in this lifetime said to me many years ago: "Everyone has a point pf view(POV)." Right there we level the field and take responsibility for our own programming. We've all been programmed; and as i've come to realize there is a distinct point of discernment in this regard(and glaringly obvious these last 7-8 years, or last 4,000),i.e., the ability to self-reflect without attachment regarding our 'individual POV.' We have witnessed the emergence of Artificial Intelligence (which professes to be more intelligent than the human brains that created it), and over the last 4 years, were subjected to a PsyOp the likes of which we had not 'perceived' over the last 100 years. To be free of a "program" entails rigorous self-aware discipline and accountability. To forgive oneself for our own self-imposed limitations seems to be the defining watershed event as we create a New Earth paradigm. Pax! ...and I enjoyed your perspective on the growth "process."
Excellent list. I have one quibble: "Never argue with stupid people. It's easier to win an argument with a genius than an idiot." I understand your point and mostly agree with it. However, more important than level of knowledge is willingness to be rational, to listen to the other person, and to be more attached to truth-seeking rather than being right. I expect you would agree so this is more of an expansion than a disagreement.
Yes, I agree. By "stupid" I refer not to someone who merely lacks knowledge, but to someone who's unable (or unwilling) to understand that they lack knowledge. One can have a productive discussion with the first type of person, but not usually with the second.
I see. I tend to use "stupid" and "intelligent" to mean capacity rather than how they use that capacity. Intelligent people can be even better at rationalizing their beliefs.
Your great list is a reminder that I've been meaning to make one of my own.
I love this post. I will be sharing it with friends.
My top realization I would tell 23-year-old me:
Don't waste time harping on setbacks or trying to change negative events once they've happened. Negative events will happen, despite your best efforts. Instead, evaluate how each event changes the landscape and your options for the future. Continually re-evaluate your best course of action to take past events into account, and resolve to make decisions that are forward-facing to give yourself the best chance to succeed in the future.
Love this, thank you.
This lesson comes with every car…”things may appear bigger in the rear view mirror”
Matt, well said.
It's so easy to get stuck on what went wrong, but moving forward is what really matters. Your point about re-evaluating options and staying forward-facing is powerful. It reminds me of adjusting sails in the wind—no matter which way it blows, we can still navigate towards our goal. Thanks for sharing :)
For me: Wherever you go,there you are. There is no such thing as running from anything.
As a future scientist, I love this so much
Inspired by the Jon Kabat-Zinn book "Wherever You Go, There You Are"?
Nope I said this before that book sorry
As a future counsellor, I love this so much
At 31, I finally got the advice I would have so desperately needed as a 23-year-old jazz musician from a brilliant player, mentor and friend with world-class standards: “What you’re working on is very, very difficult to do well. You have to go up there and bomb hundreds of times. There are no shortcuts. Also: Your failures will never touch our friendship.”
And with that, I became bulletproof (not just in jazz, but in all my endeavors).
Or just about.
“Your failures will never touch our friendship” - that is an incredible message that could be reworded for any deep and intimate relationship. I will make sure my children KNOW this about my love for them. Thank you for sharing 🙏
Yes, absolutely! ❤️
In this case, it was really important for me to hear this from a colleague and mentor I greatly admired, since so much of my self-doubt (read: self-loathing) was specifically tangled up in how I evaluated my competence, capabilities and potential at the time.
I later found that my ability/desire to take key risks—in jazz, no risk, no growth!—was equal to my belief that my failures would be met with love by an artist with exceptional skills and standards who also happened to be a close friend. His advice truly was more than the sum of its parts, and that's why it was life-changing.
In any case, there are a handful of areas where we all need unconditional love, so yes, this can, and should, be reworded and repurposed any number of ways. :)
Wow Anada, it's amazing how the right advice from a mentor can shift our entire perspective. Your story shows how crucial support and understanding are in taking risks and growing, especially in something as creative as jazz.
I love the idea that failures can be met with love and understanding, and that is incredibly empowering.
Thanks for sharing this Anada—it’s a reminder that we all need a bit of unconditional love and encouragement 🧡
100%!
So nice to hear from another jazz musician in this format 🙏
Here is my advice:
Whatever you spend a lot of time and energy on becomes important in your life.
It could be something like doomscrolling social media/eating junk food or something else like reading a book/exercising. The choice is ours what we make important in our lives.
This is fabulous! One of mine-Everything, absolutely everything is a mirror, reflecting who I am being right back to me.
Love it. Reminds me of this:
“We see the world not as it is, but as we are.”
― Anaïs Nin
TOUCHÉ.
If only more people understood this.
At almost 19 years past 23 (I'll be 42 on Friday), I can't add much to this great list, but I suppose there are a few:
-Genuine humility will take you far in life. It's ok to admit you're wrong, to apologise, and to learn from other people. You will grow and gain respect from the right kind of people for this.
-Learn to see yourself through the eyes of the people who love you, and you will learn how to love yourself in a more healthy (not narcissistic) way. Once you learn to love yourself, you can love others more freely.
-Dont be afraid to commit. You will rarely regret it. Whether it is to a simple coffee meeting with a new friend, a birthday party with friends, or helping out a neighbour. It's not like you're locked in for a lifetime, but you probably will experience something positive. But don't sit around not committing hoping something better may come along.
Wow, these are excellent. Learning to see ourselves through the eyes of our loved ones seems essential for relationship health and personal health. Their gaze is like a mirror that helps us refine ourselves, and without which our characters would grow dishevelled.
Loved the thought about commitments. Thanks
If there is one thing I've noticed (and been frustrated by) about my generation (elder millennials), it's that many are severely commitment-phobic. I noticed that those who were, often missed out on a great time and had lots of regrets, so I took notes and started saying "yes" to things, against that gnawing feeling in my stomach telling me I should want to remain free. But I discovered something -- despite that uncomfortable feeling, I more often than not ended up being really happy I committed! (And I, an introvert!) Friends planning events love it too. They know at least one person will show up to make it worth it.
Plus, then it puts something on my calendar to look forward to!
Don't trust experts just because they are deemed experts by some source.
Superb! Here's another one:
You're not the center of the universe. You only think you are.
Advice I Really Wish Someone Had Given Me:
- Sometimes, everyone else has the wrong idea. You’ve come to the right conclusion, and time WILL prove you correct, but by then, everyone else will have forgotten what you said, or if they remember, it will be too late for them to act upon your advice. Never doubt your carefully-reasoned convictions, but don’t waste your precious time and energies trying to convince others that you are correct.
Instead of using words, persuade others with obvious actions—show, don’t tell. Let people believe they came up with your ideas themselves after they observe how you move about in the world; the lesson will be more powerful and longer-lasting for that. You cannot save others from their own mistakes, but you might be able to save yourself heartache by remembering you are not morally responsible for how others decide to live their lives.
Wow, thank you for this. I’m 23 now and this resonates so much
If you have friends or family, treat them as if they're the only people you'll ever know for the rest of your life. Once you're much past 30 years old, it is extremely difficult and rare to make new friends. The phrase that gets kicked around - "I'm alone, but not lonely" is absolute horseshit. Trust me, you do not ever want to be left alone in this world. If a relationship needs mending, use all your strength and resources to mend it as if your life depends on it.
Say ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I don’t understand’ when you don’t. Admitting ignorance is the beginning of wisdom.
Neither money nor fame will fill the hole inside you.
Good point. Reminds me of the quote from Naval: "If you can't be happy with a coffee, you won't be happy with a yacht."
The way I see it: if all the possessions you've accumulated so far haven't made you happy, what makes you think future possessions will?
It's the definition of insanity, right? I do think there is a base level of "having shit" that will make you happier. Like, if you don't have food, then food literally will make you happier. Same thing with a safe place to live. But at some point pretty early in the process it won't.
I actually think that base level messes people up to believe more things will make you more happy. If food can make you happy when you don't have enough of it, then clearly jamming things into other holes will do the same, rightr?
Simple, to the point, yet ignored by many.
We love our cheap crap, filling our ever increasing larger homes, walk-in closets, attics, built out basements, 2, 3, or 4 car garages, backyard sheds, and finally the always wanted, rarely needed, rental storage unit..
As a very dear friend and spiritual ally in this lifetime said to me many years ago: "Everyone has a point pf view(POV)." Right there we level the field and take responsibility for our own programming. We've all been programmed; and as i've come to realize there is a distinct point of discernment in this regard(and glaringly obvious these last 7-8 years, or last 4,000),i.e., the ability to self-reflect without attachment regarding our 'individual POV.' We have witnessed the emergence of Artificial Intelligence (which professes to be more intelligent than the human brains that created it), and over the last 4 years, were subjected to a PsyOp the likes of which we had not 'perceived' over the last 100 years. To be free of a "program" entails rigorous self-aware discipline and accountability. To forgive oneself for our own self-imposed limitations seems to be the defining watershed event as we create a New Earth paradigm. Pax! ...and I enjoyed your perspective on the growth "process."
Excellent list. I have one quibble: "Never argue with stupid people. It's easier to win an argument with a genius than an idiot." I understand your point and mostly agree with it. However, more important than level of knowledge is willingness to be rational, to listen to the other person, and to be more attached to truth-seeking rather than being right. I expect you would agree so this is more of an expansion than a disagreement.
Yes, I agree. By "stupid" I refer not to someone who merely lacks knowledge, but to someone who's unable (or unwilling) to understand that they lack knowledge. One can have a productive discussion with the first type of person, but not usually with the second.
Yes, that's ignorance! Stupidity cannot be helped.. lol
I see. I tend to use "stupid" and "intelligent" to mean capacity rather than how they use that capacity. Intelligent people can be even better at rationalizing their beliefs.
Your great list is a reminder that I've been meaning to make one of my own.
https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Dunning%E2%80%93Kruger_effect
Be your best. Have fun. Help others.
My three rules which my adult kids know and live.
You understood the assignment. Teach The Children Well. And as a member of society, I thank you.